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Article overview Compilation of the best civil aviation jokes on the Internet. First, the ATC jokes, and after that, stories. Some of them are believed to be authentic! Originally published in February 1999. |
 eel like laughing a little? Have a joke and a smile... (Like the old Coca-Cola slogan)... The jokes below are found all over the Net and it is frequent that the same joke finds its way on many websites. We've put the jokes into two sections, the first one with the best "ATC" jokes, and the second with the little funny stories. Enjoy!
 What's that flight number?QST19: Quest 19 (nineteen) heavy, requesting landing instructions. APP: Quest 90 (ninety), turn right heading 050, descend to 3,000 until intercepting the ILS for runway 7 right, frequency's 111.7 QST19: ... APP: Quest 90, do you copy? QST19: ... APP: Quest 90, this is approach, do you copy? QST19: ... APP: Quest 90, you remind me of my wife, you never listen anything! QST19: Approach, this is Quest NINETEEN, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response! Faster, faster!ATC: Oceanic flight 123, are you an Airbus 320 or 340? OC123: 340, of course! ATC: So would you mind switching on the other two engines and giving me 1000 feet per minute or more climb? Out of fuel!C765: This is Cessna 765, I'm out of fuel. ATC: Establish best glide, squawk 7700, and say position! C765: Ummm... I'm not really sure. ATC: See any landmarks? C765: Well, I'm here parked behind the hangar, and I can see the end of Runway 12. I'm sure the fuel truck will find me. Some darn hornTWR: Midwest 911 heavy, you're cleared to land. MDW911: Cleared to land, Midwest 911. TWR: Midwest 911, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down? MDW911: Say again, I can't hear you! There's some darn horn blaring in my ear! TWR: 911, your landing gear is NOT DOWN, repeat, NOT DOWN! MDW911: What? I can't hear you! TWR: Your landing gear is... Oh darn... "Do you copy?"BT723: Heathrow Center, this is Britain Air 723. CTR: Britain Air 723, Heathrow Center, go ahead. BT723: Heathrow Center, Britain Air 723 has a message for you. CTR: Britain Air 723, Heathrow Center is ready to copy message. BT723: Heathrow Center, Britain Air 723, message is as follows: "Mayday, Mayday, Mayday"
Noise abatement rulesA student pilot had just received clearance for departure from Orlando. The controller told him to make an immediate right turn after departure for noise abatement. The student was flying a Cessna 172 and was confused by the request for noise abatement. So he called the tower: TWR: Cessna 6 Hotel Victor, cleared for take-off. When you're airborne, make an immediate turn to the right, heading 060. C6HV: Orlando Tower, this is Cessna 6 Hotel Victor, please verify how a 172 can be involved in noise abatement." TWR: Cessna 6 Hotel Victor, if you don't turn right now, it's gonna make a hell of a noise when that 747 on final hits you!" Go around?This is what happens when there's a misunderstood between a solo student pilot and a hysterical ATC controller. TWR: Baron 232 Zulu, go around, aircraft on runway. 232-Z: Roger... (The pilot continues descent) TWR: 232 Zulu, GO AROUND. 232-Z: Roger... (The pilot continues descent) TWR: 232 ZULU!!! GO AROUND!!!. 232-Z: Roger... (The pilot continues descent) The student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway. In control?*SND-ATC: (Southend ATC) National 676, cleared for takeoff, report passing 2000ft. NAA676: Cleared for takeoff; call you passing 2000. ... NAA676: Southend, 676 is passing 2000, climbing. SND-ATC: 676 call London 128.6 NAA676: To London 128.6... See you on the way home. In the process of changing frequency, 676 loses the door. Yes, the DOOR on a King Air! NAA676: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday! London Control, this is National 676, 4 miles west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am returning climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend. LON-ATC: (London ATC) NAA 676, Roger. Are you in control of the aircraft? NAA676: No more than usual!
Manic MondayQTM66: Tower, this is Quantum 66 heavy, request clearance. TWR: Well, hello, there. We're so glad to hear from you. Would you believe you're the first aircraft we've had in or out since Monday? QTM66: That's very nice, tower. Quantum 66 heavy, requests the information. TWR: Well, there's an overcast at 1000 feet, but there's not a breath of wind. You can't believe how boring it's been lately, we haven't had any aircraft in or out since Monday. QTM66: Tower, 66 heavy requests landing instructions, and which runway is active? TWR: You can have any runway you like, we're just so happy to see you, we haven't had any aircraft in or out since Monday. QTM66: Roger, 66 heavy will be doing an ILS approach on runway 27. TWR: You're cleared for the ILS approach on 27, report when you have the runway in sight. ... QTM66: Tower, Quantum 66 heavy has the runway in sight, 1 mile final for 27... Tower, for God's sake, there's another airliner taking off on 09 directly towards us! TWR: Oh, my God, don't tell me it's going to be another day like Monday. "Now, we do have a captain up front?""Ladies and gentlemen, This is your captain speaking. Welcome you aboard Trans Global Airlines, flight number 2 from Chicago to Rome. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message." Baggage handlingA tired businessman gets at the airline counter with three heavy suitcases. He asks the ticket agent: "Okay, I am booked on a flight to Miami. But I want this red suitcase to go to Chicago, this green one to Minneapolis and this blue one to Dallas". The agent replies: "Sorry, sir, but we can't do that!". The angry passenger replies: "Why not? That's exactly what you did last time!"
Business and pleasureA husband suspects his wife of having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: "Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair." The oldest pilotSanta Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "I'm not supposed to tell you, but anyway... You're going to lose engine number two on takeoff." "Need anything, Captain?"This joke was heard in the movie Good Will Hunting, but here's a "cleaner" version. "Good evening folks, this is the Captain speaking, welcome aboard Trans-Parent Airlines, flight 69, non-stop service to Dallas. We're currently cruising at 35,000 ft., bla bla bla... now, sit back, relax and enjoy your flight.". Then, thinking he turned the mike off, he turns to his First Officer and says "Now what I really need is a hot woman and a cold beer". The Senior Flight Attendant, a young woman, is at the aft galley and runs to the cockpit to warn the Captain he left the mike on. Just as she is about to open the door, an old lady sitting in First Class says: "Hey, don't forget the beer!". Experience*BAW789: This is Speedbird flight 789, requesting pushback. ATC: And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?
We love your P.A. announcements!Southwest Airlines is known as an airline with a special kind of humor, but is this safety demonstration announcement veridic? Who knows! "To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assiting with theirs. If you have two small children, decide now which you love more." Fear of flying*A Boeing 747 starts rolling for take-off and aborts just before V1 (point of no return). The incident report says the aircraft lost power in one engine and the captain aborted takeoff. And guess what? The 747 was full of people taking their first flight after a course to overcome their fear of flying. NoFrills AirwaysOn a flight from Los Angeles to Salt Lake City on NoFrills Airways, the situation couldn't be worse. The weather was bad, the peanuts were stale, the drinks were watered down and... the landing was the hardest ever. The flight attendant, the only one on this 130-passenger flight, made the following P.A. announcement after landing: "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your patience on this flight. You'll be glad to know we have HIT Salt Lake City..." "The engine is still there!"Here's a conversation heard on a 747 flying from London to Vancouver. A gentleman, obviously a first-time white-knuckle flyer, was nervously asking his seatmate, an elderly woman next to him, about the length of the flight, the cruising altitude, etc. After take-off, he fell completely silent and started staring the inboard engine, apparently waiting for it to drop off. Half an hour later, the old woman tapped him on the shoulder and said: "Son, if you would like to go to the washroom, I'll watch it for you".
Short field landingA student pilot had an engine failure one day. He successfully force landed, and found his way to a phone to call the club house. He gave his position to his instructor, who said he would pop straight out in one of the club's aircraft to pick him up. The instructor found the downed student - parked in a rather small looking field. "Hmmm, if he can get in there, so can I!". He performed a text book short field landing, and parked extremely neatly in the hedge at the far end of the field. On extricating himself from the brambles, he asked the student how on earth he had managed to land in such a confined space. "Oh, I didn't - I landed in that big field over there and pushed the plane in here to give you more room!" Up all nightA four-engine aircraft (nevermind what type of aircraft it was!) is over the Atlantic. The pilot announces on the P.A.: "Folks, this is the Captain speaking. We've lost an engine. Do not feel alarmed, we can safely fly on three engines. However, we'll be two hours late reaching our destination." ... An hour later, the pilot announces on the P.A.: "Folks, this is the Captain again. We've lost another engine. No need to be alarmed, we can safely fly on two engines. However, we'll be four hours later reaching our destination." ... An hour later, the pilot announces on the P.A.: "Folks, Captain again. Engine 3 is dead. Don't panic, we can safely fly on one engine. However we'll have a six-hour delay on reaching our destination." ... One annoyed passenger turned to his seatmate and says: "If that fourth engine quits, we'll be up here all night!" The pilot's prayerOh controller, who sits in tower Hallowed be thy sector. Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done On the ground as they are in the air. Give us this day our radar vectors, And forgive us our TCA incursions As we forgive those who cut us off on final. And lead us not into adverse weather, But deliver us our clearances. Roger. | ||||||||||
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 * Possibly a true story (or an urban legend). Some airline names or flight numbers may have been changed. © 1998-2008, airodyssey.net. All rights reserved. Disclaimer, trademarks, privacy policy. | ||||||||||
